With crime getting what police describe as “pretty bad” in some areas, the police this week unveiled their latest initiative.
They have released a job advertisement for a “masked hero akin to Batman” to help deal with rowdy teenagers and distribute ASBOs.
“We are unsure about whether this will be a paid position or on a pay as you go basis,” said Met Commissioner Gordon.
The police are open to suggestions on what form the hero should take, Batman is protected by copyright, and have therefore organised a competition at inner city schools to design the new crime-fighter, “we thought it would be good to let gangs of kids design the new hero who would most likely be kicking the shit out of them in just a few years, this way at least it will be a costume they recognise,” said the police in a statement.
The police have been contacting local billionaires who have the money to design new weapons which might give them the advantage over the gangs. Richard Branson has reportedly turned the offer down.
The police have also been experimenting by getting various animals to bite “geeky kids” with the hope it might pass on its powers. Controversially all that has been achieved so far is footage of an 18 year old maths genius being mauled by a badger. “We haven’t made a Spider-man yet, but we have got a lot of severely traumatised geeks,” said the experiments creator.
Britain’s Space Agency has also stopped looking for asteroids that might destroy the earth and moved resources to start scanning the solar system for a planet “Krypton.” British people with the first name “Clark” have been rounded up to see if they become unrecognisable when wearing glasses.
Experts have questioned the wisdom of expecting super-heros to be found that exactly mirror fictional films and then said something about “real heros” being the local dinner lady. The Met Chief responded with “Can you envisage the local dinner lady kicking the crap out of The Joker or Green Goblin, didn’t think so. She’d get destroyed. Think about it.”