Friday, 29 October 2010

Dating Agency for self-confessed “Uglies” celebrates first engagement

A dating agency set up by “uglies” for “uglies” has celebrated its first engagement. Self-confessed ugly Tom Clifford has got engaged to self-confessed ugly Janine Walker.

Tom described himself as “having a face that makes children cry.” Tom quit his job as a teacher recently saying “it’s just not fair on the children, trying to read their textbooks with tears in their eyes.”

Sharing a mutual love of TV dinners and junk food, the pair got engaged after just 4 dates. Our first date was at an expensive restaurant and we were greeted with a “what the frick are you, and then the waiter just burst into tears, which wasn’t very nice.” The couple are concerned about their future children, “our kids are going to have the double ugly gene which can in rare cases prove fatal.” Well known “double-uglies” include John Prescott, Wayne Rooney and some guy from Hear-say."

The dating website has paid for their honeymoon as they have a company caravan in Wales, “the caravan is hidden away so they won’t offend anyone with their faces or their love making which probably looks like a piece of doe being kneaded” said a spokesman. Tom and Janine were recently granted a “procreation license” as they managed to prove their procreating would not be a threat to public health.

Ugly people are often overlooked for roles in TV. Tom was even refused a job in radio. Radio 1 said “his ugliness was projected through his voice.” One listener was quoted, after hearing him speak I could tell he was “utterly disgusting.”

The Ugly community in the UK has grown in the last 10 years from 3 to 59 million and the ugly gene is thought to have originated with Keith Chegwin.

A government spokesman said, despite fears, that the ugly community does have a voice in the UK, “look, we have Danny Alexander for example, he is an absolute minger and yet he’s in the cabinet,” said a spokesman. “We often call him a minger, we changed his email address to minger@gov.org.uk, he loves the banter I’m sure,” said a Conservative spokesman who then laughed heartedly. 

Thursday, 28 October 2010

Episode 3 : The Apprentice 2010

This episode involved the contestants picking inventors products to then sell to shops around the UK.

Synergy was lead by James, who said how he has “12 years working in Property.” I understand why he says it that way because saying, “I’m an estate agent,” is akin to wearing a bill board with the words “I’m a bell-end.” Synergy chose a spade with two handles and a shower head that saved water. Stuart Baggs predictably managed to insult someone. First with his face, then his mouth and just for good measure using his face again. A classic triple combo.

Their first meeting involved pitching to Debenhams. Debenhams don’t sell shower heads or spades, but that wasn’t going to stop Melissa going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how they should. Debenhams could have missed a trick there because, like most men, when I go shopping for shoes I could easily end up coming back with a spade. Listening to her was a form of torture. It was so bad I turned on the taps at home and tried to water board myself.

Watching Melissa, Stuart and Stella try and sell showers was like watching Bambi learning to walk. I think some of their customers wished they had a shotgun.

Apollo chose a babies clothing item that changed colour and a t-shirt that made fat people look thin. The t-shirt is a worry; we are going to have a lot of artificially toned bodies walking around, but from the neck up a face like Rick Waller. The babies’ item changed colour when it heated up, contrary to my first belief that it changed colour when a paedophile approached. If it changed colour when a paedophile approached, that would be an excellent product wouldn’t it, the look of horror on your face as it changed colour when your “uncle” came round to use the internet.

First up was Chris who’s speaking voice is so mono-tone, it’s like listening to Stephen Hawkings audition for X-Factor. He droned on about a t-shirt and sucked so much life out of the room that oxygen levels became dangerously low. Even in my house, I fainted.

Apollo also included the “sub-team” of Laura, Sandeesh and Paloma who predictably argued over “who got the sale.” I expected some of them to say, “hey, I blinked it that last pitch, so half of that sale is mine.” They spent the rest of day under strict rules. One person did the talking and the other two had to hold their breath and stand motionless outside.

And so to the boardroom. The drama. The three up for the “fight of their lives” was Melissa, Stuart and James. Predictably office speak ensued as all three welcomed “feedback” and were full of “passion.” The Oxford Dictionary are considering changing the meaning of “passionate” to “acting like a total penis.”
Melissa went mental when she was pointed at by Lord Alan. She refused to conversate with Stuart and James and didn’t look like she had much confortability. In the taxi she talked about retributionalbility. I really do worry about the taxi driver from the Apprentice. Having to drive these morons home every week must be a nightmare. After dropping Melissa home, the taxi driver un-did his seatbelt and drove into a wall.

Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Tightest Australian election in history

Polls are suggesting it will be one of the closet elections since democracy came to Australia in 2007. The polls are tight despite the recent televised debate between the two Prime Ministerial hopefuls being moved from a primetime slot because it clashed with Masterchef. Hopeful Julia Gillard said, “this is disgraceful, it makes me feel less important than a wannabe chef.” To be fair one of the contestants on Masterchef made Fish Fingers out of a just a banana and a ribbon.

Julia Gillard stated, “I am running for the biggest job in the country and the 824th biggest political job in the world, just behind Greg Anderson (local councillor for the borough of Redditch). I am taking this very seriously.”
The two candidates differ on many issues. On education Ms Gillard stated, “I want to keep education levels as high as they have been over decades in Australia. I plan to fight the cuts and keep the school leaving age at 14. I will cut university places instead down from 11 to 7 annually.” Tony Abbot wants to cut the school leaving age from 14 to 8 stating “we need young Australians to begin their career at 8 in order to stay competitive on the world stage. An example would be how at 8 most people around the world have more skills than a fully grown Australian adult.”

One the most controversial policies of the current Prime Minister Gillard is her decision to raise the cost of alcohol to 3 pence for a can of beer, “at 3 pence a can, I can only drink 28 cans a night and how can anyone get pissed on that other than Ronnie Corbett!” said Bruce, an office worker from Melbourne.
Australians will go to the polls tomorrow but residents fear the turnout will be low due to logistical issues which marred last years elections. Helen, who lives in Wallawallawalladong will have to travel to Sydney to vote, “it’s only 2000 miles, 9 miles more than my commute to work,” she said optimistically.

The election has been much more widely reported this time round last month going viral on You Tube almost beating X Factor loser Olly Muir for the number of hits. The future Australian PM hopes to avoid the embarrassment of last year when Julia Gillard was refused a visa to enter the USA by US immigration official Hank Fields, “her story didn’t add up, I’d never heard of Australia and I can name lots of countries like Canada, Mexico, Europe.”

Good luck to both candidates.

Severe weather warning for Wales

The MET office has issued a severe weather warning for Wales. Forecasters say Wales can expect up to 3 hours of continuous sunshine and blue skies.

The last time Wales experienced such a weather phenomenon was recorded in 1971 when Cardiff was covered in blue skies for 1 hour 32 minutes, “we had never seen anything like it, it was an awful experience, people starting panic buying , I foolishly brought a plasma flat screen TV with no discount from Dixons, it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done” said David who was recently released on parole for GBH.

The Met has warned against widespread panic. A leaflet has been distributed warning of the effects of the abnormal weather and what to do.

1)      Stay inside a drink lots of water
2)      If you become moist, you will be experiencing a human condition known as sweating
3)      Do not attempt to reach loved ones
4)      If the sun hurts your eyes, stay under a blanket or duvet

The met added that many countries experience this weather phenomenon yearly and always come through the year. Emergency science lessons have been put on to explain exactly what the Sun is, Michael Roberts, a Professor of environmental science at Oxford University told us, “I was astonished to find that students as old as 17 still thought the Sun was a God called Llewellyn who could fire out lightning.”

Best ever year ever for A-Level results

It’s been another bumper year for A-Level results with students achieving the best grades in the history of the exams surpassing 2009s results.

David, who recently obtained 2 Bs and an A in Geography from a school in Croydon was ecstatic. David told me he had been accepted into the University of London, “I don’t know how I’m going to get there; London must be miles away.” To calm David down friends googled “London” on their iphones.

Every student obtained at least one A grade apart from Brian Cheswick who got a 2 Bs and a C. Brian was understandably disappointed and was spotted walking home clutching an application form for a Subway Sandwich Specialist. We spoke to David Smith, Brians Head of Year, “Brian’s let everyone down, bringing down the average grade…” only to pause and shout “thicko!” at Brian as he walked past. Mr. Smith has since been suspended.

Inevitably this has led to the claim that A-Levels are getting easier. Graham Hayes, a recent A-Level graduate disagreed, “I think A-Levels are getting harder and that’s the opposite of getting easier.” Graham achieved 3 As in Maths, Physics and Advanced Physics, Graham will start his degree in Golf Course Management in September, specialising in crazy golf.

So are exams getting easier? We spoke with the national body that writes exams to ask their opinion, “I don’t think you can claim exams are getting easier, plus these days kids have to make it through their school days not getting stabbed which adds another dimension. I personally wrote the History exam this year and some of the questions went as far back as early 90s indie music!”

So are grads getting smarter, Stephen Peters, from Blackburn got three As at A-Level, but was unable to secure a place at University and currently works at Boots, “I think grads are a lot smarter now, I know all the meal deals here off by heart, it only took me 3 months to memorise the 8 combinations and that’s only because sometimes you can have a chocolate bar instead of crisps.”

One student mentioned that the level of teaching has improved, “some teachers at our school can do, like, maths in their head, it’s like they have a calculator in their head. My maths teacher once worked out the exact change he should get from a fiver in McDonalds…in his head…before the computer thing they use…he can do the same at Burger King…and KFC…amazing!”

Whatever the reasons, it’s been a bumper year for graduates.